Naturally Getting Pregnant

I wish I could say that I feel nothing but pure joy when my friends and family announce that they’re pregnant.

Pure joy is not what I feel.

My emotions take control of me like the stomach flu. My head gets light and my stomach sinks into an abyss. Throwing up seems like a possibility.

I wish I were filled with joy and moved to happy tears. I’ve put the request into my emotions before, but somehow the receiver is broken on this topic. It’s inconceivable to me that I feel this way. I’ve never been prone to jealousy; I truly am happy for my friends and family, but my own emotions get called up on such occasions and override all other feelings.

How can someone else’s wonderful news cause me to go into a free fall? I wish I had a super wise answer to this perplexing question. But I don’t. Not even after much reflection and meditation. The best I have been able to excavate is that being childless is a pain rooted so deep in me that when I hear the “we’re pregnant” from others that I’m fully confronted with my childless situation. Meaning that I normally try to deny to myself the reality of my situation in order to be able to carry on with daily life. To confront this truth every day for the last couple of years would have left me inoperable.

Perhaps there are some couples out there that struggle with infertility and if the children don’t come, move on with their lives without an emotional scar. Maybe someday I will be in that position, but right now I have to say: I’m not. Having a family has always been an essential part of my vision of my life. My emotions make this point to me loud and clear when I least expect it.

If you enjoyed reading my blog, please write a comment here or bookmark it to a social bookmarking site by using the link below. Thanks!