Naturally Getting Pregnant

I’ve been writing lately about how it is to deal with friends and family falling pregnant when you yourself are struggling with infertility.

I’ve been writing about it, because I’ve been dealing with it.

Within just the last five weeks two of my friends and my sister-in-law have all told me that they’re pregnant. Granted, I’ve been told by friends and family before - but three in the span of five weeks is a bit much.

So while this “we’re pregnant” theme permeates every area of my life, I have come to see - and feel - the difference in those who are able to share their news with me in a sensitive way and those who are not.

Insensitive
A friend, who knows my husband and I have been trying for years to conceive, has told me on a couple of occasions how she thought she was pregnant even though she was using contraception. When she did try to conceive and became pregnant she was excited to tell me, “It happened at the first possible moment.”

Sensitive
About a year ago, a good friend of mine said in her email to me, “We just found out a week ago and we’re still shocked even though we were trying….I feel bad because I know you guys have been trying without any luck, and I know that that must be extremely difficult!”

After the series of announcements over the past couple of weeks a good friend of mine called and said, “I heard about everyone’s  news…How are you doing? This must be hard for you.”

My sister-in-law sent me this email:

Your brother told me he emailed you our news. He had been wanting to talk to you about it, but also didn’t want to wait too long since he already told your parents, and we didn’t want to keep you in the dark either. For whatever it’s worth, I just wanted to say that we have been in your shoes, and know how hard it is to hear this. A friend of mine…I think I told you about her…she had endometriosis, laparoscopic surgery, 1 IVF and got pregnant, and then got pregnant naturally with #2 right away. She was so afraid to tell me that she was almost in tears when she told me. I explained to her that I was actually really happy for her (I was), but of course it also hurt for me. It sucks to feel like you’re the only one in the world not getting pregnant and everyone around you is. Of course, you don’t always hear about the other people struggling, but I know it’s hard not to wonder when it will be your turn.

Anyway - as far as we’re concerned, it’s VERY early, and we don’t even know if it’s a viable pregnancy yet. But, we wanted to keep you in the loop. The only thing I hated more than hearing about everyone else being pregnant was when I felt like I was being excluded to be “spared”.

That said – your brother told me about your weekend of being trapped in babyville. You should not feel bad about ducking out of situations like that, even if it seems awkward at the time. I finally realized somewhere along the way, that there were certain times (some baby showers, etc.) that it just wasn’t worth it. If you are sharing your situation with your good friends, they will understand. We actually didn’t tell people about our infertility for a very long time. That was because of me. I was ashamed about it. Your brother was more open about it but I wasn’t. But, when I finally told my friends about what we were going through (when we started the IVFs), I was blown away by how supportive they were, and was so glad I decided to talk about it.

I’m not sure where you are on this, but it sounds like you have a great group of friends who would be very supportive. And, if any of them are insensitive about it and wave their pregnancy in your face to a degree that isn’t necessary…that may show you which are your true friends and which aren’t. Just something to think about. Hang in there. Your turn will come. And, it will be worth the wait.

After getting my sister-in-law’s email, I cried. She writes with an understanding that only someone who has gone through infertility has. The other two supportive responses were from friends of mine that have not struggled with infertility though. They simply thought before they spoke/wrote and did it with compassion.

Now that I’ve been through this announcement crash course, I realize that I want to surround myself with those who are sensitive and supportive and not those who make me feel worse. This is true for life in general, but infertility is such an emotionally complex topic that it took me a few hard lessons and support from family and friends to take these steps.

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